Winter time is hard for me. It is for a lot of people.
I live in southern Wisconsin, so winters here can be pretty brutal. Though, with climate change affecting everything we do, they have indeed been much more mild. The cold though never really bothered me. I know how to dress warm. I know how to keep my gear safe. And I know when to, or not to, walk on the ice. What makes it hard for me is the lack of light. I don’t mean the quality of light either. You can always find good light if you look hard enough or change how you see things.
The amount of light in a day is the problem for me. I am one of a whole bunch of people who deal with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I’m pretty honest with people about my struggles with depression, and SAD makes it infinitely worse. I genuinely wish I could hibernate and come out in the spring when life is waking up again in nature. During winter, my life really becomes wake up, work, then sleep. I can never seem to find the motivation to get out and be creative. I yearn to be. I get angry with myself that I don’t. No matter what I try though, it seems to be a struggle I just can’t overcome.
On top of the winter season, toss in holidays to the mix. I shall not delve into details, but holidays are impossibly hard for me. Since the day I found out I was going to be a father, I hoped that I would be able to provide a fun and happy time of year, especially since my daughters birthday is just a couple weeks after Christmas. Unfortunately, things fell apart with her mother early on, and it’s just been plain horrible for years. Though, I continue to try to be there and do my best to be positive and supportive.
So as spring starts its slow emergence into the world, I too will try to wake up and become a person again. I will get back to creating and enjoying nature. I will pick up my camera again and make cool images. Most importantly though, I will continue to try to be a good father who cares deeply for my daughter, though some days (many days), it’s hard.